Oh, I'm not in any way throwing a pity party for myself. I mean, I have. Hell, the first six Christmases were one great big, non-celebrating, I-hate-holidays pity party. I realize now how blessed I am. I had 31 years with my mom. And since then, my stepmom, my amazing mother-in-law, two aunts, a myriad of older cousins, and two of my best friends' moms have all stepped in to fill that void. They've done a great job. And every single one of them is so very appreciated (Sharon, Diane, Sandy, Jean, Dixie, Jo, Dawn, Brenda, Kay Kay, Mrs. Barbara -- <3 you all). Besides being blessed, my mom would never, EVER have suffered through my six year pity party. So, there's that.
Many of you know that I started my ornament swap three years ago as a memorial to my mom. She loved Christmas and it's something we shared. We decorated the tree together, and once it was decorated, we would turn off all the lights in the house, sit around the lit Christmas tree and sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." Yeah, we were dorks. But we were dorks together, and we were happy being dorks. One year we put all blue lights on the tree, all blue balls (my mom was so much better a mom than me, cause she never once cracked a smile over those blue balls), and we made fans out of heavy-duty aluminum foil and blue ribbons. Again, yes, dorks. But we were quite possibly the only people with a tree safe from aliens that year. Well, except my Grandma, cause mostly you couldn't see her tree for the silver icicles.... that she placed individually. Yes, my entire family is dedicated to Christmas decorating.
Anyway, this is mostly all backstory for the real meat of the blog post. A week ago, my cousins lost their mom to cancer. She valiantly fought that God-awful disease for over 14 years. And I just want to take a minute to say that the grace and beauty of how her girls have handled things this past week is surely a testament to her. Kim posted an anecdote the morning after her mom passed away about seeing the Rockefeller Christmas tree and how it made her think of travelling to New York with her mom three years earlier to help her find the strength to keep fighting. I commented on her post, and said that I truly believe things like that happen when you need them.
SQuire Rushnell, an author, motivational speaker, and former television exec, has written several books about coincidences, calling them "God Winks." Maybe I'm crazy, but that's what I like to think of things like what Kim mentioned. Maybe "God Winks" but really more like Mom Winks. Just a little reminder that she knows what I'm going through and I was raised by a strong, godly woman, and I can take it. My mom loved hummingbirds -- loved them. Like seriously, if they flew into my mom's windows she would pick them up, massage them, and if necessary, perform mouth-to-beak resuscitation. (Dorks, remember? Or as my mom would have said, "Dorks, member, FDIC?") I've seen hummingbirds late in the year, long after they should be gone, and years after I've had a feeder out for them... when I was going through a miscarriage. I've had hummingbirds fly up and hover... when Brian and I were separated. Basically, when I've really, really needed my mom, a hummingbird shows up.
So, this week, since Monday, has been a pretty crap week. Without going into too much detail, we're slogging through a hot mess that would probably make Letterman's top 10 list of parent's nightmares and if not that then it would definitely make a compelling Jerry Springer episode. Yesterday was an incredibly long day, with about three hours of driving and meeting with people, and just sheer mental exhaustion. When we finally got home, I stopped in the garage to smoke. (Cut me some slack -- really, seriously, crazy bad week.) Brian sent me a message that there was a package on the table for me. I came in, grabbed the package, went down to talk to Brian more about the hot mess, then opened my package.
Carolyn Rucker, of Tallahassee, Florida, I know you don't know me. I've never met you, and the only time we've "spoken" was when I gave you your recipient's name for the ornament swap. You, dear lady, healed my soul last night. I opened that package, and lo and behold.....
there was my hummingbird reminding me that she KNOWS what we're going through, and that I WAS raised by a strong, godly woman, and that we CAN get through this.
My wish for my cousins, as they enter this next stage of their lives, is that they have plenty of Mom winks. Merry Christmas everyone, and if you have the chance, gather your loved ones around the tree, turn off all the lights, and sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."
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