Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

I tried so hard to be that girl you wanted me to be..you know, the one who was selfless enough to not be angry, to understand why you felt it was time. And I do. Oh, I do understand. You felt like a burden. And God knows, 17 years on dialysis is a long, long time. And not being able to drive anymore or clean anymore, and always feeling like you put us out. I hope we never, ever made you feel that way. But I know. I know you watched as we cancelled plans to take you places. I never begrudged doing that though. And any friend who couldn't understand, just wasn't my friend.

Today though, I'm angry. I'm mad that I'm going through my adulthood without you. I have questions about raising a teenager. I need advice. I need the wisdom only you could offer me. And you're not here.

How did you survive my teen years? How did I not break your heart over and over when I wouldn't talk to you, when I simply shut down on you? Am I doing the right things? Am I asking the right questions, or setting the right boundaries? What did you do when all you wanted was to cry but you couldn't because you didn't have the time? How did you fill the silences in the car without growing weary?

There have been so many times since you've been gone that I've needed you. But I've been okay. We've all made it through. Today though, I'm angry. I'm angry you're not here. And I think I'm allowed a little mad.

I love you, and I miss you every day. I miss being able to call you for anything. I miss our stupid jokes, and I miss the way we pretty much read each others' minds. I miss your laugh and your voice, and it's getting to where I can't remember either of them.  I miss you, and I need you, and I'm so angry that you're gone. And maybe, just maybe, this stark honesty, 12 years later, is what I need to start to heal.

Love always,
"Your most precious gift"